Penance
by TheShunnedPrince
Summary: Tag to episode 8x07 (A Little Slice of Kevin). Dean is shocked by what Cas said to him about staying in Purgatory as penance for his sins. Dean decides to help Cas feel better.
Cas was walking away from Dean. Somewhere in the back of Dean's mind, a voice was screaming at him, telling him to not let the angel get away, but Dean was still in shock. His mind was jumbled from images of Purgatory.

Images of Castiel's hand slipping through Dean's fingers, flashes of Cas letting go _on purpose._ Cas screaming ' _no!',_ and shoving Dean's hand away. Cas not wanting to be saved, and staying behind in Purgatory because he thought he deserved it.

Dean thought back on his time in Purgatory: how unhappy Cas had been when Dean had found him, how Cas kept trying to convince Dean that he couldn't make it through the portal, the way Cas kept telling Dean to leave him behind. It all made sense now, and Dean hated it.

It felt like ice water had been dumped down Dean's shirt, and he shivered. Then he jumped as a loud bird snapped him out of his daze. Dean's eyes landed once again on the figure wearing a tan trench coat, growing smaller in the distance.

"Cas, wait!" Dean yelled, and took off running toward Cas.

Castiel spun around, his eyes wide. Dean slowed to a jog, and stopped in front of Cas. As he took a few seconds to catch his breath, Cas silently observed Dean, his head tilted like a confused kitten. Dean loved it when Cas did that. It was fucking adorable. But no, he couldn't let himself get distracted by Cas's cuteness. _Did I really just think that?_ Dean mentally slapped himself for straying off track.

"Cas, I swear, you're the dumbest angel alive," Dean laughed, trying and failing to sound angry. Castiel's face scrunched up in confusion.

"Is insulting me your way of coping?" Cas asked, "Because if it is, I am fine with it if it makes you feel better." Dean blinked.

"Wait, what?" He asked. When Cas just stared at him, Dean realized that the angel was being totally serious.

"No, um, that's not what I'm trying to say," Dean stammered. Damn, only a few seconds into the conversation and he was already pathetically tripping over his words. He should have thought this through.

"I'm trying to tell you that you were stupid for staying behind in Purgatory. Stupid to think that you deserved it," Dean explained. Cas let out a frustrated sigh.

"I don't expect you to understand, Dean," he huffed like an annoyed two year old.

"I needed to pay for my crimes. Do you even know of the devastation I caused in Heaven? I have killed so many of my brothers and sisters, Dean. I let the Leviathans escape and they killed your friend, Bobby Singer. I don't know who pulled me out of Purgatory, but I wish they had left me there."

Dean stood there in shock, gaping stupidly at Cas like a fish. He searched desperately for what to say.

"That doesn't mean you had to stay behind, Cas," Dean started. After that, Dean's anger took over, and the words just flowed smoothly out of his mouth.

"I thought that I left you there, I thought it was my fault because I couldn't save you! Do you know how much pain that caused me? It physically hurt me to think about you all alone in that damned place with Leviathans and who-knows-what chasing after you!" By now, Dean was shouting. He could make out Sam staring at them by the Impala, but Dean didn't care.

"I'm sorry, Dean," Cas said, staring at the floor. "I didn't mean to cause you more pain than I already have." Dean resisted the urge to stamp his foot in frustration. He squinted accusingly at Cas.

"You're kidding me, right?" Dean asked. Cas opened his mouth to respond, but Dean cut him off.

"Dammit, Cas! I forgave you! I forgave you a long time ago for all the bad you've done! Why can't you see that?"

"Dean, I broke the wall in Sam's head, I made him go crazy," Cas protested. Dean just rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, well Sam forgave you too. Besides, I vaguely remember you taking Sam's memories and going crazy yourself. Come on, Cas, I managed to forgive Sam for drinking demon blood and starting the apocalypse. I see no reason for you to think that I wouldn't forgive _you_!" Dean paused for a second to catch his breath, but then continued.

"You're needed here, Cas. If you want to make up for the bad you've done, you have to do something good. You can't do anything good in Purgatory, you can only punish yourself. That won't help anyone. You want to make up for your crimes? Come with me and Sam. Help us save people, help us hunt. We could use your help, Cas," Dean finished.

He sighed, and felt much better now that everything was out of his brain and out in the open. Now he just had to see what Cas thought of his huge speech. Cas guiltily stared at the ground, his eyes darting around.

"You're right, Dean," Cas admitted, and Dean let out a sigh of relief. "I should be helping people. Do you think that would make up for my sins?"

Dean stared into Castiel's eyes. Right now, Cas didn't look like an all powerful angel, he looked young and insecure, like a man desperately looking for forgiveness. Honestly, the change and vulnerability in Cas made Dean slightly uncomfortable. But Cas had always been there for Dean, and now it was Dean's turn to return the favor.

So Dean reached out, and pulled Cas into a hug, just like he had done in Purgatory.

"Of course, Cas," Dean soothed. He felt Cas stiffen, but this time, Cas slowly raised his arms, and wrapped them around Dean's waist. Dean was surprised to find the angel actually hugging him back, and even more surprised to find that he _really_ liked hugging Cas.

Then, Cas did something that startled Dean even more: Cas rested his head in the crook of Dean's neck. Dean paused for a moment, not knowing what to do. Then he slowly raised a hand, and buried it in Castiel's hair, combing gently through the black strands.

"I missed you," Dean whispered without thinking. Cas sighed happily.

"I missed you too, Dean."

After a few seconds, Dean broke the hug. He held Cas at an arm's length and smiled.

"You'll be okay, Cas," Dean reassured.

But Cas didn't look very sure, so Dean decided to take a leap of faith. He leaned forward, and placed a light kiss near Castiel's hairline.

It was like time froze. Castiel's skin was soft on Dean's lips, and his hair tickled Dean's mouth. Dean found himself fascinated by how silky and smooth Castiel's hair was. It smelled sweet, and faintly of...lemon shampoo?

Then Dean withdrew and found Cas staring at him. Dean licked his lips nervously, and searched for something to say to end the awkward staring contest.

"Hey Cas," Dean asked, "did you use my shampoo?" Cas flushed a deep red, and stared guiltily at the ground.

"I liked the smell. It reminded me of you," Cas admitted, and the tips of his ears turn a brighter crimson. It was Dean's turn to blush now.

"Well, uh, you can use it any time you want, Cas," Dean muttered. Then, he wanted to smack himself because that was probably the weirdest thing to say in this situation.

Apparently, it didn't seem weird to Cas. The angel smiled, which made Dean feel warm and fuzzy, like he was floating. He hadn't seen Cas smile in a long time. It felt like the sun coming out after weeks of rain. Dean beamed back at him.

They stood like that for what felt like ages to Dean until Sam called them.

"Dean, we should get going," Sam called. Dean reluctantly tore his eyes away from Cas to face his brother.

"Yeah, we're coming," Dean yelled back. Sam nodded and got into the car. Dean started walking, and looked back at Cas.

"You coming, Cas?" Dean asked. Cas blinked a few times, as if clearing his head.

"Yes, I think I am," Cas said, and followed Dean to the Impala.


End file.
